JMAN -OCTOBER 14TH

 

I Remember .. 


I was at my favorite dining spots in Texas, with my dear friend. My phone vibrates it was  my sidekick ; my first cousin Jamaro.  I answered "Hello?" .. I can't  hear you, let me step outside. "Ok", he softly replied. I knew something was wrong. I walked outside away from the loud noise in the background. " Everything ok cousin?",  he replied " I'm just giving up, I wanna keep driving , end it all right now. ", I replied " Wait, where are you? , are you driving ?" - "Yeah" he said calmly.


Jamaro was in Los Angeles, California ,  I stayed on the  phone doing my best comforting him, that was the summer of 2017.  We spoke a few weeks after that, usually we spoke every other day. Our conversation ended in a disagreement , which was rare,  we never argued. that would be the  last time we would ever speak


October 2017 , I loss one of the most closest person in my life. Not from harming himself, but due to medical reasons - I had no details about previously.. My grandfather found him in the guest room . Jamaro, had decided to move back to Chicago ; after  years of residing in Los Angeles. We would talk hours about him moving; and he finally agreed. I  knew he  had deep wounds, scars, and a heart full of brokenness. We both depended on each other, for guidance and encouragement . He was my shoulder to cry on, and  I was his.  His death brought months of deep thought, reflection and sadness. My entire family and his close friends grieved our huge loss. I learned many things that focuses on mourning. I hope this can help someone who mourns  or is in deep depression  :


1.) Prayer is powerful . The comfort of God can heal you from any pain you might feel


2. It takes time to mourn. Mourning, is a process. Everyone mourns differently, some people mourn for years. I advise to remember the good times, so you can get back to reality of life and your future.


Jamaro passed away expecting to wake back up the next morning. However he suffered his entire life from depression. A topic the black community fails to acknowledge , black men and mental illness. He moved to California from Detroit to follow his dreams . He fought a good fight. We all are fighting something In life. It could be addictions, finances, fear . Not one  of us  are perfect. When someone passes away, it could be a  shock and unexpected death. I have come to the conclusion. Live your best life now ,work on your inner struggles, be kind to others. Be spiritually grounded, this will help us live a peaceful life.


I miss him .I wish our last conversation wasn't a disagreement. Who would of thought?.


Tell your loved ones you love them.


Peace and light


MB

Open Wounds

                        

My current reality? I've given up on love; right now anyway. In the past, I battled in secrecy and unearthed a deep wound of betrayal alongside a pattern of failed relationships.  I escaped the world. I dealt deeply with healing and truth for years; coming into my own truths and understandings of my past. I've wasted years giving my time and energy into men. In all honesty it required all of my imagined  "what ifs" and false hope. I blame myself.

After my divorce in 2007, being alone was very new! Considering it was going on a full six years . I had to really come to terms, that now it would be myself and two small children. I had chosen to leave a toxic marriage full of infidelity and abuse. I  was seeking attention and very vulnerable, but finally I met someone who opened his arms during a time that was certainly different for me. I was in a relationship that I never honestly could see myself going further than the three years we spent together. Never was I in love with him. He was horrible with money and indeed a true alcoholic! However; he was extremely fun and financially assisted me with all my needs. During this time I needed the comfort and help . Raising daughters, I've always been protective and cautious who I have around them.

Later in life, after dating several a**holes, I met someone younger than myself. Different from the "bad boy" image, he was very warm and charming. Years later,  I would find out he was actually younger than he first told me…seven years younger. He was very mature for his age & introduced me to many things; food and culture. I even reevaluated my relationship with Christ because of him. Unfortunately, after a little over a year dating, the relationship quickly ended.Happily married now to someone he always liked. When I look back on it, I always was curious on the friendship they had when we were together.  Years later, I started connecting the dots. It was the same woman he failed to invite me to a wedding one summer (which was not normal) and come to find out... it was her sisters. The truth is, he was way too young for me. Never should of dated him. But if it wasn't for him, I would’ve never made good friends that turned into family or have fallen so passionately involved in his culture.

My wounds continued to open when I realized that I attracted men that are just not fit for MIYA .  Either slowly trying to control my way of thinking or by repeated manipulative actions. At one point, drowning me in self guilt and validation seeking. I had to really face my past and issues when it came to dating. Fact is that none of the men I ever dated…truly loved me…Really respected me. Was it they're fault or mine? I've concluded it was mine. I believe women are so Powerful - enough to realize from the first month of dating someone if they’re making healthy decisions.

I haven't settled down, because I just haven't crossed paths with someone I can see myself with forever. I date, but I refuse to be in another "situation-ship" that doesn't help me grow. If we cannot genuinely respect or grow it is a WASTE OF TIME . Open wounds need to be closed for many of us . We all go through different trials in life. Love is beautiful. My parents are going on forty healthy years of marriage. The person God ordained us to be with will never be a question.

I've been in love twice. Or maybe it wasn't love? Maybe it was the thought of being In love?? An imaginary nonexistent feeling I wished was true. Completely lying to myself although I really appreciate honest communication and people who are sincere. I love hard but not easy. Single in my eyes defines NOT MARRIED.

Until I meet my equal.

MB

     

1999

I find myself  day dreaming quite often.

I've always dreamed big, never in my eyes have  any of my dreams  seemed unrealistic. During my meditation recently, I thought to myself  "Dig deep.. what makes you unsatisfied? " I'm truly blessed with life. Two beautiful growing respectful daughters, water, energy, roof over my head. However yearning for more.  Completely numb many days..

Happiness, is simply ones perception of either their own  fantasy or reality. Year 1999 forever changed my life. I tend to daydream about my younger self. How innocent and naïve my mind was. Spiritually awakened yet hungry for love outside of  family.  Not driven at all however on my higher education. All I knew was  I wanted to be independent, in a big city, working doing what I love.  Which all came true over time.

Sometimes in life, you might find yourself stuck daydreaming on a year and a time. Understand God knew our decisions before we made them. Don't live your life in regret,  use your lessons and choices as your strength  .

- Peace and Light

Saturday

Its Saturday  mid afternoon, started the day slow. Usually my teenage daughters make breakfast, we leave home for the day . This  Saturday.. I remember it so very clear. I woke up, made fresh scrambled eggs, with strawberries, biscuits with turkey bacon. Just the three of us. My cell went off, a text message from my mother. A group message, including my two siblings. Asking if we heard from our father. She needed a ride from Dallas airport. She just returned from Chicago, spent time with my eighty-seven year old grandfather. A year before, we had lost our grandmother, now my grandfather was adjusting being a widow.

 Our mother sat at the airport ,exhausted waiting for more than an hour for our dad. Employed with American Airlines for twenty years, the normal routine he would meet her at the gate she had arrived in, and both go home. As she sat there nervous, wondering why her husband who was known for his promptness was no where to be found. No texts back from the previous evening. Rushing home as my brother would be the one too  pick up her up. As she entered the house, his work badge was still on the counter. His office neatly still in tact.

 My father had a heart attack at his local gym, paramedics unable to revive him. An extensive surgery was ordered, unfortunately  he had  pneumonia right after the surgery. Also later having double pneumonia .. It wasn't until almost two months later, our father came back to life.

My daily visits to the hospital, worried what the doctor would say. Observing my mom as she kept a strong attitude, filled with confidence. Protecting him . Making calls, financially making decisions. Our father was on life support, fighting for his life. Our older brother flew in from St Louis, hadn't been in Texas for years. It's four of us altogether. My Aunt was the glue that kept us focused.

One day mid February my mother called, my dad had opened his eyes . His memory a blur.

A man who lived an active healthy lifestyle. A former marathon runner and trainer.  One who enjoyed traveling all over the world. , yet at times an overachiever . My dad always worked extremely hard. Worried about others , giving back was his service. Not a smoker, nor a drinker. We couldn't gather what caused such a horrific experience. But yet he fought and was on dialysis. Daily trying to get his physical strength back. Present day, he is doing very well. loving and living life.

A man who  impacted and influenced an entire community for many years. I was  in awe on how well respected he was, as visitors daily came to see him at the hospital. One day in particular a woman I've never seen before, came in the hospital room . She was in tears. Told me my father always uplifted her , as they once worked together at the airlines.  At that moment I knew that our family had to keep the legacy going.  I instantly understood , that how you treat people in life defines your true Character. 

Thank you January

What It Really Is

Love is God
She will seek to be loved by him
God giving creation
After daily  Meditation
My past attempted to haunt me . .. and failed
No more temporary dedication
I've seen it all, experience the worse
She refuses to have anymore regrets and remorse
Save the apologies and fabricated exhausting lies
I rather seek the most high
So if you see her sipping her red wine.. Alone
Because  she refuses to settle for mediocre satisfaction 
She rather wait on God for the one who  brings mental and spiritual stimulation
That loves her from head to toe
refusing to ever let her go -

NOISSERPED

It has lived in all of us
Many try to deny it, reality is.. it happens to the strong
Who feel like they can no longer hold on
Their Faith Fades, but honestly Faith is  only thing that can keep them alive
They search for happiness, when truly happiness is within
They try to fit in
One day realizing  their built to walk alone
Which feels Cold, doesn't seem right
Depression.
A horrible demon that sneaks on the powerful
Making them feel power- less.
One might guard their heart, running from those who say they care the most
Using their strength they have left to block out people who might possibly
mean well
As they age the fact is.. depression never won
It was all mental
They won many battles
Fought many storms, which made Her more than black magic
It made Her a Queen

Blue June

A few days ago I checked my calendar, which I do daily .. realized it was ten years ago  since I walked away from a toxic marriage. Ten years ago I felt the need to evolve still at a young age and move on so I can feel free. Free from everything I felt that was holding me back from happiness. I never looked back..

June is the season for evolving. Everyday is a day to evolve. However June is a month that honestly isn't my favorite month. So I will positively express, June is a month to grow within. Almost every June a story transitions as a lesson. Either I find myself incognito from the world, or either taking time just being still. Not answering my phone, just alone in my thoughts. In my own world due to a disappointment or challenge that I fiercely had to face.

June is a month of healing and reality. A time for fasting and prayer. I've never been one to question God ,because I fear him. . I  just get tired, drained and feel overwhelm with the obstacles that are sometimes unexpected.  A few years ago in June, I almost lost my life in a car accident. My two daughters were in the car with me, by Gods grace we all survived. June is a month of testimonies.  When the month of May has ended, I normally become nervous on what is to take place. Now I just praise God in advance for his protection.

This past June I lost a good friend, funny how God works! Nothing happens on our time, but on his time. Funny also how you get closer to people at the most unexpected times. Those times equals memories, from conversations to different events that will always remind you how special those memories are! June.

Being Positive keeps your mind and muscles moving. Facing fears and turning it to freedom. Freedom turning into self control. It is all mental. The society we live in  now can drown us deep into our own depression. Some people have issues celebrating birthdays, or even holidays.  Or people like me, who once feared a month due to challenges. It is important to create a space to trust that God is in control, the days or months that we might fear in our lives only can either break us or mature our spiritual growth. Everything or anyone I have lost , only gained me acceptance and understanding.

The most important obstacle in life is turning your fears to testimonies.

Peace
MB