JMAN -OCTOBER 14TH

 

I Remember .. 


I was at my favorite dining spots in Texas, with my dear friend. My phone vibrates it was  my sidekick ; my first cousin Jamaro.  I answered "Hello?" .. I can't  hear you, let me step outside. "Ok", he softly replied. I knew something was wrong. I walked outside away from the loud noise in the background. " Everything ok cousin?",  he replied " I'm just giving up, I wanna keep driving , end it all right now. ", I replied " Wait, where are you? , are you driving ?" - "Yeah" he said calmly.


Jamaro was in Los Angeles, California ,  I stayed on the  phone doing my best comforting him, that was the summer of 2017.  We spoke a few weeks after that, usually we spoke every other day. Our conversation ended in a disagreement , which was rare,  we never argued. that would be the  last time we would ever speak


October 2017 , I loss one of the most closest person in my life. Not from harming himself, but due to medical reasons - I had no details about previously.. My grandfather found him in the guest room . Jamaro, had decided to move back to Chicago ; after  years of residing in Los Angeles. We would talk hours about him moving; and he finally agreed. I  knew he  had deep wounds, scars, and a heart full of brokenness. We both depended on each other, for guidance and encouragement . He was my shoulder to cry on, and  I was his.  His death brought months of deep thought, reflection and sadness. My entire family and his close friends grieved our huge loss. I learned many things that focuses on mourning. I hope this can help someone who mourns  or is in deep depression  :


1.) Prayer is powerful . The comfort of God can heal you from any pain you might feel


2. It takes time to mourn. Mourning, is a process. Everyone mourns differently, some people mourn for years. I advise to remember the good times, so you can get back to reality of life and your future.


Jamaro passed away expecting to wake back up the next morning. However he suffered his entire life from depression. A topic the black community fails to acknowledge , black men and mental illness. He moved to California from Detroit to follow his dreams . He fought a good fight. We all are fighting something In life. It could be addictions, finances, fear . Not one  of us  are perfect. When someone passes away, it could be a  shock and unexpected death. I have come to the conclusion. Live your best life now ,work on your inner struggles, be kind to others. Be spiritually grounded, this will help us live a peaceful life.


I miss him .I wish our last conversation wasn't a disagreement. Who would of thought?.


Tell your loved ones you love them.


Peace and light


MB

Open Wounds

                        

My current reality? I've given up on love; right now anyway. In the past, I battled in secrecy and unearthed a deep wound of betrayal alongside a pattern of failed relationships.  I escaped the world. I dealt deeply with healing and truth for years; coming into my own truths and understandings of my past. I've wasted years giving my time and energy into men. In all honesty it required all of my imagined  "what ifs" and false hope. I blame myself.

After my divorce in 2007, being alone was very new! Considering it was going on a full six years . I had to really come to terms, that now it would be myself and two small children. I had chosen to leave a toxic marriage full of infidelity and abuse. I  was seeking attention and very vulnerable, but finally I met someone who opened his arms during a time that was certainly different for me. I was in a relationship that I never honestly could see myself going further than the three years we spent together. Never was I in love with him. He was horrible with money and indeed a true alcoholic! However; he was extremely fun and financially assisted me with all my needs. During this time I needed the comfort and help . Raising daughters, I've always been protective and cautious who I have around them.

Later in life, after dating several a**holes, I met someone younger than myself. Different from the "bad boy" image, he was very warm and charming. Years later,  I would find out he was actually younger than he first told me…seven years younger. He was very mature for his age & introduced me to many things; food and culture. I even reevaluated my relationship with Christ because of him. Unfortunately, after a little over a year dating, the relationship quickly ended.Happily married now to someone he always liked. When I look back on it, I always was curious on the friendship they had when we were together.  Years later, I started connecting the dots. It was the same woman he failed to invite me to a wedding one summer (which was not normal) and come to find out... it was her sisters. The truth is, he was way too young for me. Never should of dated him. But if it wasn't for him, I would’ve never made good friends that turned into family or have fallen so passionately involved in his culture.

My wounds continued to open when I realized that I attracted men that are just not fit for MIYA .  Either slowly trying to control my way of thinking or by repeated manipulative actions. At one point, drowning me in self guilt and validation seeking. I had to really face my past and issues when it came to dating. Fact is that none of the men I ever dated…truly loved me…Really respected me. Was it they're fault or mine? I've concluded it was mine. I believe women are so Powerful - enough to realize from the first month of dating someone if they’re making healthy decisions.

I haven't settled down, because I just haven't crossed paths with someone I can see myself with forever. I date, but I refuse to be in another "situation-ship" that doesn't help me grow. If we cannot genuinely respect or grow it is a WASTE OF TIME . Open wounds need to be closed for many of us . We all go through different trials in life. Love is beautiful. My parents are going on forty healthy years of marriage. The person God ordained us to be with will never be a question.

I've been in love twice. Or maybe it wasn't love? Maybe it was the thought of being In love?? An imaginary nonexistent feeling I wished was true. Completely lying to myself although I really appreciate honest communication and people who are sincere. I love hard but not easy. Single in my eyes defines NOT MARRIED.

Until I meet my equal.

MB